Life is impermanent. This truth has been both a source of pain and a source of hope for me over the past five years as I struggled through a heartbreaking journey to become a mother. Living with the darkness of grief and summoning the courage to cultivate hope became my main practice. It broke me over and over again, and in doing so, it also broke my heart wide open. The depth it excavated within me now holds the love for the very thing I’ve always wanted. It is with so much joy that I share the news that my beloved and I are expecting a baby in June!
As I search for the words to articulate how I feel, I keep coming back to a quote by Stephan Colbert, who was asked in a 2015 interview why he appears so grounded and joyful despite the tragic loss of his father and brothers in a plane crash when he was just 10 years old. “I love the thing that I most wish had not happened.” I have come to understand this paradox of being grateful for that which has made you who you are while simultaneously wishing it had never happened. It’s hard for me to separate the pain of my story from the gift it gave me. Without it, I wouldn’t be the person I have become. Without it, I would not have been blessed with this soul—this beautiful girl who chose me to love her.
There is much to share—lessons I’ve learned and support I hope to offer others navigating the same journey—in time. Right now, there’s the present moment, and my little girl is kicking me as if to remind me of what’s most important. Be here, now. She is already my greatest teacher, and I, her most grateful student.