Chloé is turning one in a few weeks and I have to ask: HOW is that possible? One year of motherhood? It’s unbelievable to me. Understand—I’ve wanted to be a mother my entire life. I waited for Chloé for as long as I can remember. I named her when I was twelve. I had so many dreams, ideas, and expectations around motherhood and I can honestly say that my experience is beyond anything and everything I could’ve imagined.
And it has been HARD. This kind of love is hard. It’s painful. I love her so much it hurts. Every day I think I can’t possibly love her more and somehow my heart rips apart and I love her infinitely more. To feel that much love means I also feel that much pain. I feel more sorrow, more stress, more rage and more joy, more contentment, and more patience.
This year has taught me so much, but the most impactful lesson is the reality I live everyday: two (or more) very different things can be true at the same time. Anxiety and ease; awkwardness and grace; sadness and bliss; feeling lost and feeling found. I suddenly understand everything and also I have no clue about anything. To be perfectly honest, it’s disorienting, overwhelming, and exhausting to feel constantly pulled in every direction, but the more I cling to some definitive, the more I collapse under the weight of it all. To look for the answer or to look for myself in any one thing is the fastest road to suffering. Motherhood is all about expansion, fluidity, and surrender—because there’s no other choice. I have to make room for it all.